What people have in their baskets at supermarkets.
Here’s a game you can play the next time you’re in the supermarket of your choice. Or any other, come to that.
What people have in their baskets.
You can try it with trolleys, but as they tend to hold a lot more, it makes it very difficult.
The best place to play this game is at the “10 items or less” or “basket only” till. Rather than people watching, take a look at what they’re buying. While you wait, try to work out what their purchases tell you about their lifestyle.
Here’s a few I’ve witnessed:
Light bulbs and a bottle of Champagne = someone that’s fed-up with drinking meths in the dark.
How about a copy of the Sun, four cans of lager and a box of tissues = a stupid wanker planning a quiet evening in on his own ?
Carton of UHT milk, a box of firelighters and a tin of boot polish = A calcium deficient arsonist with very clean shoes.
I just can’t begin to imagine what perversion that bacon and KY Jelly suggests !
Spiffing what ?
The most fun you can have with your clothes on !
“Good game, good game !”
Don’t forget though, they could also be playing the same game on you.
Only 23 shopping days to Christmas.
Tuesday, 2nd December 2003
There I Was, Gone
Don’t you just love ISPs/Web Hosts ?
Yet again my blog has disappeared, only to be replaced by an older version.
One of the joys of using a “free” service I suppose.
Yuletide greetings
I bloody hate Christmas, and all the crass commercial claptrap that goes with it.
It’s probable that me and the lady will be on our own on Christmas day. No relations, which suits me.
As we’re vegetarians, there will clearly be no roast turkey etc. for us. Dinner could possibly be dips, crudités and tortilla crisps, washed down with champagne (don’t worry ale will figure at some point in the day), and something chocolatee for pud.
Sounds perfect to me.
I suppose instead of after dinner mints, we could have humbugs.
We might even stay in our jym-jams all day.
Just like we did on 1st January 2000.
The current millennium didn’t start until 1st January 2001. There was no way that we were going to celebrate the false one the year before. So we went to bed early on 31st December 1999, and stayed there until 2nd January 2000, only moving for calls of nature, and forays to the kitchen, for rubbish to eat and drink.
Bloody marvellous it was.
And the moral ?
Don’t always give in to plebeian convention.
Wednesday, 3rd December 2003
Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
I’m getting to grips with the mass of statistics that are provided by my web host. Here's an extract:
This report lists which queries people used in search engines to find the site.
Listing queries, sorted by the number of requests.
reqs: search term
----: -----------
2: beer bellies pictures
1: oap sex
1: ale tasting
1: do you wear boxers or briefs
1: king william public house heydon
1: big hammer big nail
1: shaking arse renault
1: royston herts pubs
1: aeromat beer
1: sock fucker
1: farting jerusalem artichokes
1: muffin man pickle tub
1: band h haitch
1: silverstate.co
1: nissan micra fashion
1: diarmuid gavin fan
1: link:www.quaffale.org.uk
Some of the search terms are understandable, in fact let’s face it, they’re downright boring, but who would put “muffin man pickle tub” in a search engine and why does my site come up on the list ?
There are some very strange people out there, floating around on the interweb !
The Answer
I've just put “muffin man pickle tub” into Google. Curiosity got the better of me. Muffin Man appears to be a film by Pickle Tub Productions. Most likely American because they seem to be under the impression that a muffin is a cakey bun. Curiously though The Ale Fan blog appears four places above the ‘official’ site in the Google listing. Wow !
I’m also just above “Woody's World of Penis Euphemisms! (STARMA.COM)”. No doubt written by a fine upstanding member of the community. If you often find yourself stuck for a word for the great hairy pogo stick, try Woody. Didn’t see Odd Trick listed. What an omission.
Don’t you just love Reggae ?
I know I do.
The most fun you can have with your clothes on !
I think my all time favourite is Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry (hope you don’t find that too Upsetting) – but there is just so much good stuff out there, that it’s often hard to choose.
One thing I’ve noticed, over the years, is that you can sing, “wrap up me dranglers” or, “wrap up me dranglers with a five pound note” to virtually any reggae tune you care to mention.
Go on, try it. You know it makes sense/Guaranteed to break the ice at parties/Fun for all the family.
Eat your heart our Charles Dodgson !
Sunday, 7th December 2003
Shot By Both Sides
Watched Bowling For Columbine last night on the old Channel 4 – Brilliant film. You can’t really fault Michael Moore. Bloody useful filmmaker and all round decent chap. I particularly like the way he lets the ‘bad guys’ hang themselves. You do wonder why he appears to be such a lone voice in the wilderness.
Angels With Dirty Faces
We’ve got rats. They’re getting in under the floorboards of our house. Bastards !
So today I’ve spent a goodly time, shovelling out earth and rat-shit, then cementing up a hole where we think they are coming in.
Now I think that I’ve probably got a latex glove allergy, as both my hands are covered in red blotches, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they glow in the dark.
I think I deserve a beer.
Bye for now.
Cheers !
Monday, 8th December 2003
“Life In The Air-Age Isn't All The Brochures Say”
I don't pretend to enjoy flying. It defies gravity, you are packed in a
cigar tube like sardines (interesting use of metaphors), breathing stale air.
All very stressful, and generally unpleasant.
Like a free lunch, there’s no such thing as a cheap flight.
“It's grim enough to make a robot cry.”
Tuesday, 9th December 2003
Interweb Threat
The Interweb comes under threat from this revitalised form of communication. Suck it and see.
Wednesday, 10th December 2003
Superenigmatix
On a weekend trip to France, in the spring of this year, we went to a chocolate factory, in quite a rural area. If we hadn't have been taken there by our French hosts, we'd never have found it. It was a little pearl in a bucolic oyster.
As we walked into the factory, the smell of chocolate was so mouth wateringly intense, that we probably put on half a stone in weight just in a couple of breaths. It was heavenly.
The chocolate maker's talk was quite informative. He pointed out that the English love of white chocolate is not really shared by the French, as a large proportion of their white chocolate goes into making suppositories.
Sticking chocolate up your bum - that's criminal !
I admire a lot of French ways, but I'm sure I can't even begin to understand their fixation with the suppository. It's use probably ranks as their National sport (along with smoking).
"Bizarre !"
I work for a packaging machinery company, and recently one of our English technicians was working on some equipment in a suppository factory, in France, along with two French technicians. The two French chaps got quite excited because they were allowed to help themselves to a big bag of freebies. The Englishman declined.
When we are under the weather, we tend to, "take a couple of aspirins, and turn up the radio", whereas the French stick things up their bottoms, and go for a bloody good shit !
Vive la différence !
From all good chemists.
Tuesday, 16th December 2003
Crying To The Sky
Had a hectic few days, you know what it's like with the run up to Christmas
etc. So I've not had time to blog !
There’s been general socialising, plus here is a quick round up of some of the other things we've been doing:
Ein Und Fünfzig
It was The Lady's birthday last Thursday so we had a day/evening of
shopping, eating, drinking and going to the pictures.
The film we watched was Love Actually, not exactly high cinematic art, but a
very funny film all the same. It’s well worth going to see. Bill Nighy is the real star.
Post film drinks were very enjoyable, in nice surroundings, sadly spoilt by
poor service and a well-pissed hooray-Henry amongst the clientele.
Camper Van
We also recently went on my firm's Christmas do. The first one I’ve been to in eleven and a half years. I’d sort of painted myself into a corner and felt I could not get out of it. Ten-pin bowling and a meal in a damned fine restaurant afterwards. All on the company, including the booze, which flowed like water.
Room 101
We have a new toy. Me and The Lady purchased a DVD player this weekend, and then like naughty school children in a sweet shop purchased a Digi box as well. The DVD player was planned, the Digi box an impulse. At present we can only get a few of the channels as it turns out that we also need a new aerial. Another 180 quid. Ouch !
Fuck Bugger Arseholes
There’s also a lot of shit in our lives at the moment. A number of family and friends suffering from the Big C. Some hopefully winning, some possibly not, and sadly one lost. Why ?
Certain things relating to people predicaments are taking up some of our time at the moment.
We also have a dead rat somewhere under the floorboards. The smell is getting ever more intense by the hour. More floorboard ripping up at the weekend. Life’s a bitch, and then…..
Wednesday, 17th December 2003
Crystal Gazing
Bury (pronounced berry) St Edmunds, the place of my birth, has one pokey little cinema with just two screens.
Bury, with it's once radical past, is now a very conservative by nature, unfortunately, which I can only put down to possible in-breeding amongst both the gentry and the peasants in and around the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
Things move very slowly here.
For at least the last five years (if not longer), there have been numerous planning battles over permission to build a multi-screen cinema in the town. The proposed new cinema has been off and on more times than Casanova in a brothel.
Finally it looks as though it's going to happen, but not until 2005.
Bugger !
As a consequence of the current facilities, we only get mainstream/populist films. Sadly there is no room for art in Bury (the same applies to the theatre and music as well - headlining the annual Bury art festival is usually a tribute band !).
Quite by surprise, the other day, I received an e-mail from David Workman, the executive producer of The Muffin Man. I mentioned the film in an earlier blog.
Serendipity.
Apparently the film has just been release in America to a positive reception and they are hoping for worldwide distribution.
The film appears to challenge the excess of our modern consumer society.
It probably won't be the sort of film that will come to Bury.
I expect we'll have to wait 'til it comes out on DVD.
Monday, 22nd December 2003
Darkness, You Are My Priestess
Coming from God's own county, you'd probably have expected for me to be routing for the local lads to be the Christmas Nº 1.
Not so.
I don't mind The Darkness. They're perfectly harmless. They are clearly using the same approach to Rock-a-boogie that Oasis did: rehashing old sounds/styles. So they'll probably make shed-loads of money, and good luck to them.
I'm glad that Gary Jules made it to Nº 1 for Christmas.
I know it's an old song, but it's done in such a different way that it stands head and shoulders above a lot of the crap. Another bonus is it's not about Christmas.
Deep joy !
The power of the Radio 2 audience ?
And Billy Mack at Nº 26 !
Musical hope for the new year - that the younger generation wake up and
start producing some decent stuff, preferably loud, fast, short, angry and
with no musical ability, instead of the safe slush that predominates in the charts at the moment.
Wednesday, 24th December 2003
“Room In The East Invested With Meanings”
Have you ever called anyone a Philistine ?
Here we go – Pedant alert !
The Philistines (now Palestinians) were a very cultured nation. And of course still are cultured, even though they are denied nationhood.
So why do people continue to use the term Philistine as a form of derogation ?
Stupidity I suppose. Possibly reinforced by Zionist propaganda over the centuries.
If you want to put someone down for being an un-cultured moron, may I suggest the following:
Neanderthal
Sun Reader
Countryside Alliance Supporter
Wanker
Or, Neanderthal, Sun reading, Country Alliance supporting wanker probably called Rupert.
As you’ve probably noticed all these terms are interchangeable.
So there you go. There’s absolutely no need to use the term Philistines ever again.
Yuletide Greetings
Even though I don't really like it, I wish everybody "Seasons Greeting".
I've already started drinking, so it doesn't seem that bad.
Monday, 29th December 2003
Ships in the Night
Christmas was Shit (definitely with a capital S).
We lost a close relative early Boxing Day morning.
And we’ve had more bad news this morning.
"Life's a bitch,
and then you die".
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas
Third Floor Heaven
Small beer I suppose compared with the poor people of Bam in Iran.
Talking of small beer the polypin of IceniWinter Lightening has helped greatly.
The Lady gave me a copy of, Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss, for
Christmas. An ideal present for a pedant.
Even if this bloke is not guilty of murdering one policeman, and attempting to murder a second, he should be locked up for being as ugly as sin.
Jesus, some people really know how to abuse a privilege !
One of the many food delights I treated myself to for Christmas was a jar of pickled eggs.
Light the blue touch paper and stand well back.
