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October 2003
The Blog Archive:
Grain Of Truth Publications presents:
Diary of an Ale-Fan
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October
Wednesday, 1st October, 2003
It’s a date
The Lady and the Ale-Fan went to the pictures last night.
We went to see Calendar Girls.
And very enjoyable it was too.
We sat in the dark, each clutching a bag of sweeties, and settled down to watch the film. There was a great deal of anticipation, particularly on my part. The thought of ‘women of a certain age’, in various stages of undress, appealed to me no end, I can tell you !
When the calendar first came out, The Lady bought me a copy as a present. I don’t normally approve of such things, but I think, because of the way and the nature in which it was produced, it can’t really be seen as exploitation. Anyway that’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.
Jerusalem was much featured, which of course should be our national anthem, if we really must have one. There is the obvious connection with the song/poem and the WI, but I like to think that it was also relevant because Blake (our greatest ever artist & poet) was allegedly very keen on getting his kit off. Being fond as he was of re-inacting stories from the bible, particularly the one about the Garden of Eden. Good old Willy.
All in all it was a bloody good film. Top flight entertainment. The most fun you can have with your clothes on (well the audience anyway). Nice to watch a film where the accents are predominantly European/English. We particularly like the Oregano jokes.
I would have liked to have seen more of Annette Crosbie, but you can’t have everything, I suppose.
Plus, it’s probably not good for me at my age.
If you’ve not already done so, suggest you go out and see it.
“I knew I should have kept my socks on.
Would have had somewhere to keep my brushes !”
Thursday, 2nd October 2003
Piss Poor Pint ?
I like the style of the landlord of the Kings Head in Southwold.
Despite liking Adnams, I kind of think that they've got it wrong on this one.
I like the idea of banning children and vinegar from pubs, and I certainly
have no real allegiance to the pint.
It's strange how people get worked up about preserving imperial measurement; it's irrational, like wanting to keep the pound. The €uro is inevitable.
Why do people get so excited about it ?
Anyone would think that they were being forced to have their genitalia
daubed with hot tar or something.
Someone had a copy of the EADT in the Hammer & Sickle last night and so we got talking about the plight of the Southwold landlord.
Albert, our genial host and wit, said that he would soon be switching to “serving ale in a champagne glass, with a straw”.
With regards to children and vinegar, the general consensus seemed to be that pickling kids was probably the best answer.
We suspect that the real reason the Southwold pub decided not to sell pints was to keep the riff-raff out. “Sticky counters” could have been avoided by using over-size glasses, as in the Hammer & Sickle, in conjunction with serving ale properly, i.e. without a head - We want ale not ice-cream !
Albert's approach to keeping (some of the) riff-raff out, is to refuse to serve
lager in bottles (everyone gets a glass), or subtly, he just tells them to
piss-off. And for that more continental feel he's suggested putting lumps of
dogshit on the pavement outside the pub. What a wag he is !
If my perfect pub ever existed the following would be banned from it:
Lager
Smoking
People with loud voices
People without regional accents
Lager
Pork Scratchings
People standing at the bar
Children
Lager
Alco pops
Talk about football in particular, and sport in general
Pool tables
Lager
I don't like lager.
Tonight’s blog has been produced under the influence of Hoegaarden, for that continental feel.
Sunday, 5th October 2003
One For The Pot
As you've probably gathered, I’m rather partial to the odd glass of ale. In fact I quite like alcohol in general. In moderation of course. But one thing I would never do is take ‘a drink’ before 11 0’clock of a morning (Christmas excepted). It’s just not the done thing. Plus you’re on a bit of a slippery slope if you go down that road, he says mixing his metaphors.
There are certain times of the day when it’s correct/not correct to have tea or coffee. The big problem is that this code seems to have fallen by the wayside, somewhat in line with the general decline in moral standards.
Apparently some people’s first drink of the day is coffee. How uncouth is that ?
It’s a well known fact that it should be tea. Are people just plain stupid, or is it as a result of some congenital disorder ?
To put any miscreants back on the straight and narrow, here’s a rough timetable of when it’s acceptable to drink tea or coffee. You can obviously substitute/additionally consume other drinks at certain points of the day, but the emboldened entries are compulsory and not an option. Thou shalt not deviate:
On awaking – tea
Breakfast – coffee
Mid-morning – coffee
After lunch * - coffee
Mid-afternoon – tea
Early evening (before dinner *) tea
After dinner * - coffee
Supper – hot chocolate, horlicks, chamomile etc.
*tea or coffee should never be drunk with lunch or dinner – that’s the sort of behaviour of someone that would readily wear a vest in bed !
These rules should be observed religiously. Failure to do so is tantamount to committing sheep buggery. Not abiding by these sort of niceties, along with the universal lack of good manners, are endangering the very fabric of society.
If you stick to this simple code your life will be fulfilled to its most possible extent. Non-adherence will ensure that you are consigned to everlasting damnation, smote with sore boils, or at the very least being inflicted with an ingrown toenail.
Come the revolution these rules will be enshrined in law.
Monday, 6th October 2003
Drive Time
Stuart Maconie is back on the Radio 2 Drive Time programme. Deep joy.
I can listen to the radio again on my way home now that the Edmonds twunt has gone.
"Pure Green, Baldrick"
Nose-pick. Why ?
Public lavatories and pub toilets in particular are well prone to the affliction of orphaned bogies, why ?
Why when having a wee, or doing grunties, do WC patrons feel obliged to leave a momento behind ?
And even more puzzling, why are your eyes always drawn to this unpleasant form of decoration when using these facilities ?
Is this just a man thing or does it happen in the ladies as well ?
“There is a dark and lonely place,
where no man dares to show his face.
Where is that dark and lonely place ?
It is a ladies lavatory, ole !”
bollocks bollocks Fernando
We need to be told.
Damian Hurst is one thing, and we could debate for ages, well at least five minutes, whether or not what he does is art. But snot and bogies as d’art plebeian – We say NO !
The sort of people that perpetrate such crimes against decency, are presumably, Neanderthal in the extreme. If they can read, which frankly is highly unlikely, I bet it’s a tabloid beginning with “S”.
Filthy bastards !
<br>
Does Dan Dare know
that the Mekon is alive and well,
and 'leading' the Tory Party ?
Wednesday, 8th October 2003
My Mate
Almost all my working life (about thirty years now) I’ve been mostly eating Marmite sandwiches for my lunch. On odd occasions my pack-up will be different, but I quickly return to the brown nectar. What a sad git I must be.
Types of bread and spread come and go. But Marmite remains steadfastly reliable.
The simple Marmite sandwich is best. I did once go through a phase of adding cucumber, but I soon got better.
The Lady likes Marmite soldiers dipped in a soft-boiled egg. A disgusting habit in my opinion – don’t try this at home kids !
Marmite: the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
Not only does Marmite taste rely good, but it’s also a bi-product of the brewing industry.
Keep drinking beer – save our Marmite !
PY Jelly
Good to see little PY on the telly again yesterday morning – PY we’ve missed you !
St Michael
Also good to see the stuff on Michael Moore in the Guardian. You can’t help but think he makes a lot of sense.
I, like Peter at Naked Blog, am amazed that no stupid white man has taken a pot-shot at him yet.
Thursday, 9th October 2003
Beware the march of ids
Listened to wato and the Mekon's speech on Radio 4 at lunchtime. Then when I saw him on the news tonight, it confirmed my suspicions that he was indeed auditioning for a part in Dead Enders – the only words missing were: “Wot’s goin on then ?”
And of course he wasn’t wearing a pink polo-neck shirt.
Thanks
A big thanks to the Birdman @ Raised by Chaffinches for ‘publishing’ my piece on Quakers. I might return to meeting soon. I hope he gives it a try.
The first time I went to meeting I instantly felt at home.
A few weeks after attending, I purchased the booklet Advises & Queries and
was amazed to find there were 42 of them.
42 being the meaning of life. Well according to the Hitch Hikers Guide to the
Galaxy anyway.
But for me Nº 42 said everything:
42. We do not own the world, and its riches are not ours to dispose of at
will. Show a loving consideration for all creatures, and seek to maintain
the beauty and variety of the world. Work to ensure that our increasing
power over nature is used responsibly, with reverence for life. Rejoice in
the splendour of God's continuing creation.
This one causes me slight problems:
40. In view of the harm done by the use of alcohol, tobacco and other
habit-forming drugs, consider whether you should limit your use of them or
refrain from using them altogether. Remember that any use of alcohol or
drugs may impair judgement and put both the user and others in danger.
even though my consumption is in moderation nearly all of the time.
Friday, 10th October 2003
Poster
This poster sums up what I feel about lager drinkers. Thumbs up to the Wychwood Brewery.
Make mine a pint.
Rambling
Today is the feast day of St Francis Borgia, St Daniel, St Cerbonius, Saints Eulampius and Eulampia, St Paulinus of York, St Maharsapor, and St Gereon.
I bet you feel better for knowing that.
I’ve probably not had a bath for about two years now.
“Pooh !”, I hear you cry.
It might be slower to carry out your ablutions via the bath, but farting in the shower is not nearly as much fun !
Thinks, “I might have to start getting up earlier”.
Isn’t it a shame that real ale’s not available, free on the National Health.
I’d vote for anyone offering that.
How about we start the ‘Free Real Ale’ Party – A few pints and you be talking as much crap as a large number of politicians.
Can’t be arsed to get into a rant today.
Monday, 13th October 2003
Licence Fee Scandal
Has anyone noticed the similarity between Phil Jupitus and Bill Bailey ?
It’s only the hair that’s different. Probably why they are on opposite teams on Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Never in the same camera shot. They are really one and the same.
You heard it here first !
“Or What ?”
The 1950’s had a lot to answer for, even apart from me.
In 1958 the Bubble Car was displayed at the Motor Show in Londinium.
Also in the 50’s a certain hairstyle was born. That sported by the likes of Tony Curtis. Old boys that were teenagers then, and still have hair, have remained true to this style. Grey haired teddy boys are still popular in Suffolk today. They can often be seen propping up bars in pubs across the county. They answer to the likes of Terry, Ernie or Ron, but never Brian. You wonder if their Eileens or Jeans tense up when a film comes on the telly, just in case they get the urge to slash the settee cushions. Oh boy !
Tuesday, 14th October 2003
Living In The Past
When I was a lad we had to make our own fun !
I’m sure that every generation at some point says this to subsequent generations when pointing out that they don’t know they are born. You know the sort of thing:
“There were ten of us living in a shoe box”
“A shoe box, you had a shoe box, that would have been luxury to us, we had to live under a stone”
Anyway I digress. I was thinking the other day, about some of the things I used to do as a kid, growing up in the swinging sixties, and sugar sandwiches floated into my consciousness. Sugar sandwiches, a true delicacy, especially for a junior school lad. Sliced white bread (Bettabake), marg (Stork probably) and white granulated sugar. Heaven.
You spread the bread with marg, then lobbed on loads of sugar, worked it about a bit with an eating-iron, preferably of the spoon variety. Then tip up each slice of bread to remove the excess sugar. Finally placing the two slices together to form the sandwich.
Crunchy, munchy and teeth-rottingly disgusting. I don’t know, the rubbish you eat when you are a kid. “Never did us any harm !” because of course roughage wasn’t invented until at least a decade later. Ignorant and blissful we were.
My parents used to extol the virtues of bread and dripping – now that is truly disgusting.
I was mentioning sugar sandwiches to the locals at the Hammer & Sickle, thinking that others would reveal some of their stomach wrenching childhood snacking habits. Instead, in a rather Edward De Bono fashion, they all started talking about sell by dates:
“Never had those when we were young”
“Never did us any harm”
“It’s that common market for you”
And so on, and so on.
People might have kept a stiff upper lip before BBE’s, but I bet that was to hide an oscillating ring piece below. The privy at the bottom of the garden had nothing to do with a lack of plumbing sophistication, it was more to do with the old-fashioned smells, I’ll be bound.
Thursday, 16th October 2003
Good News
Lets hope that this is just the start of the world being rid of a creation of the devil !
Two words are missing though. Those words being ‘horse’ and ‘piss’.
I suspect a few big girls will be crying at the demise of these awful drinks. But I shan’t be shedding any tears.
Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I say, and long live tautology !
“Welcome to the real world Mikey”
I have not and would never vote Conservative. My politics are firmly on the left. But I can’t help thinking that Michael Portillo comes across as being an okay chap for a Tory.
I enjoyed last night’s programme on BBC2 “When Michael Portillo Became a Single Mum”. I think he faired reasonably well in what is obviously a very strange environment for him.
I also enjoyed the ‘train journey across Spain’ programme he did a few years ago. I am slightly bemused as to why he is in the Conservative Party. Perhaps he’d be better placed in New Labour ?
"Curses, a Spaniard in the works !"
Monday, 20th October 2003
You’ve Got To Have A Hobby
A 20year pub-crawl. What a bloody fantastic idea !
Wished I’d thought of it. Wonder if they’ll be greeted by, “Where do you think you’ve been then ?”, as they try to get the key in the front door.
“I’m In The Phone Booth, It’s The One Across The Hall”
I have a genuine problem with this current trend of transferring call centres from the UK to low-wage countries like India.
Clearly it causes hardship and stress here, which is not good at all. Although judging by the treatment of some of the workers in call centres, it might be a merciful release. And even if it is in a prosperous, low unemployment area, like Essex, where redundancies were announced last week, it still seems unjust. I think it was Harold Wilson that once said “It doesn’t matter what the percentage of unemployment is, if you’re unemployed, it’s 100%” or something along those lines.
But on the other hand, countries like India need all the economic help they can get. Particularly in the form of real jobs, and not just charity. Plus if you consider the exploitation that went on during the days of the British Empire, you kind of think we have a debt to repay. Or, is it still exploitation, as I suspect, because of the level of wages that are paid ?
I do have a real problem trying to sort this one out. To use a popular phrase, currently touted by the intellectually challenged in our society, “It does my head in !”.
I suspect the only winners in this situation are the fat-cat capitalists who hire and fire !
Has anybody out there got an answer that will calm my decreasing but tumultuous cells contained inside my cranium ?
Tuesday, 21st October 2003
Inconvenience
Why, oh why, do people put the toilet roll on the holder the wrong way round ?
It's not some weird crusade by a singular, gormless, cack-handed bastard, surely, because you see it all the time, all over the place.
Is it laziness ?
Is it stupidity ?
Or possibly both ?
Perhaps it's a conspiracy.
Who can say, but it’s bloody annoying.
There is only one way to put a bog roll on the holder, and that’s the right way.
So get it right in future, you all know who you are, and make a grumpy middle-aged man happy. Please. It’s painful enough wiping one’s arse with low grade toilet roll at the best of times, without having to suffer the mental anguish, nay torture, of unravelling a wrongly hung roll!
Correct !
Totally wrong you shithead !
Come the revolution, offenders will be dealt with.
No mercy will be shown.
Have a nice day !
Wednesday, 22nd October 2003
Paint Drying
Today sees the launch of my screensaver.
Don't all yawn at once.
Thursday, 23rd October 2003
Get Behind Thee Satan
I hate my job !
I dread going to work.
Unfortunately I have to work with, and manage, morons.
I’m looking for alternative employment, if I can find something.
On the plus side, I can now afford to take a job with a lot less money than I actually earn at the moment.
On the minus side, I’m in my late forties, so it might be a bit difficult to get something that is at least slightly stimulating/meaningful.
Discussing my predicament with The Lady, she suggested that if nothing else, I could always go “Tempting”. She actually meant “Temping” but we both liked the idea of me going out tempting people.
Unfortunately I haven’t really got the physique for it, so I guess sexual favours won’t bring in much cash, although you never know, there are a lot of strange people out there.
Rather than selling my body, I could sidle up to people, go “psst !”, and offer them chocolate, cream cakes, Turkish delight, Marmite sandwiches, Hobnobs or cups of tea like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. “Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on”.
Banana Ripener – now I could do that.
Piddler on the Roof (into the wind)
If I were a rich man, diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dum.
I suppose that’s one option. Does anyone know of any good get rich quick schemes they could let me in on ?
I’m looking for one that I can run from my kitchen table, only take up a couple of hours a week, and make me shed loads of cash. You know the sort of thing.
I’ve been watching the Mind Of A Millionaire on BBC2. I went to the website connected with the programme to see if I did indeed have the mind of a millionaire.
I scored 16.
17 is the minimum score you need to be a dead cert. millionaire. Bugger. The story of my life. Consigned to being a failed rich man.
Woe is me !
Monday, 27th October 2003
“All We Are Saying, Is Give Peace A Chance !”
Within no time at all Remembrance Day will be upon us.
Do you wear a poppy ?
If so, what colour is it ?
For a number of year now, since discovering the existence of the Peace Pledge Union, I have worn a white poppy.
I have been a pacifist for quite a large proportion of my adult life, long before ‘discovering’ the Peace Pledge Union or Quakers. And as a consequence I never felt able to wear a British Legion red poppy.
“Wear your poppy with pride”, the advertising slogan goes. For that’s what it is. I cannot see the pride in war. Death, destruction, misery, fear, famine along with maimed bodies and maimed minds – I don’t see the pride in that !
I realise that the money goes towards those that have suffered, so I still give to the Poppy Appeal, but always refuse to take a poppy.
For me, the red poppy and the ceremonies of ‘Remembrance’, epitomise the evils of war and all those that perpetrate it. It’s surrounded by military pomp, shiny medals, the trappings of oppresion and “WMD’s”.
If I had have been born earlier, I too might have wanted to go and fight fascism in the Second World War. I’m grateful to those working class people that laid down their lives to defeat the Nazi’s. But just as WW1 begot WW2, one war inevitably leads to another. We need to break the cycle.
I certainly would not want to stop people remembering. But keep the political leaders and the military out of it. They’re the ones that order the killing and send people to their deaths. The establishment glorifies war and calls it ‘Just’. There is no justice in war.
War has no winners.
Think about it, and your choice of a poppy.
Wednesday, 29th October 2003
Dan Dared
Good to see the Mekon despatched.
Let’s hope the Tory Starship goes into free fall, imploding on impact.
Couldn’t happen to a more deserving party !
Serves you fucking right for giving us Thatcher you bastards !
Pom Dee Pom Dee Pom Dee Pom
I suspect most individuals with at least an ounce of sense (i.e. those not bleating the mantras of the gutter press), would never stoop so low as to watch soap operas on television. After all it’s a well-known fact that they rot the brain.
So given that, basically, Dead Enders, Constipation Street, et al are total rubbish, why do seemingly intelligent people, who would normally without hesitation, acknowledge such programmes as being pointless, hold The Archers in such esteem and reverence, listening avidly ?
I say to these people, brace yourselves.
It’s just another soap opera, you wank-buckets !
Just because it’s on Radio 4 it doesn’t give it any intellectual authority or artistic merit.
The only difference between it and the ones on the telly is that it’s audio shite rather than audio/visual shite.
Crap is crap however it comes wrapped.
Wake up you tossers.
That’s better. I’ll calm down now.
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